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| Dear Ones,
It has been a difficult task, to sit down and actually send out this latest update on our family. My heart is breaking most of the time, and when, for a few moments, I can think of other things, I have chosen to do so.
I want to start by thanking you all, from the bottom of my heart, for once again, offering us your support in the most incredible ways. Thank you to those of you who attended Jay's Memorial, either in person or in spirit. Your love and prayers were felt, and we could not have made it through the day without the knowledge that you were all lifting us up. It was a comfort to know that we did not walk that road alone.
I think one of the most startling realizations for me, in the midst of my grieving, was that you all were grieving a loss too. Your declarations of sadness and mourning moved me more than I can say. I got so caught up in my own loss and my own grieving that I was struck by how much you all miss him too. Let me just say to all of you, I am sorry for your loss in all of this, and my heart aches with you....
I also want to thank you for sharing your memories of Jay and your kind words about him. The girls cling tightly to everything that people share with them, especially those things that happened before they knew him, and they cherish your memories of him. Each memory of yours is like an unexpected treasure and something they can add to their own precious memories of him. He lives so obviously in each one of them, and I know they will continue to strive to know that part of themselves that is their father. Thank you for helping them to do that.
The days leading up to Jay's death were horrible ones for me. I fought believing that he really wanted to do this, and fought a war within myself, planning for the day, and wanting to run as far as I could from it. God blessed me with many things that I could not see at the time, but looking back, I see more clearly. One thing that captivated everyone that saw him in those last days, was his absolute sense of peace and his total joy at the prospect of going to see his Savior face to face. For months he had been so miserable and uncomfortable. Communication was getting more difficult, his left eye was getting worse and in moments of fatigue, both eyes would refuse to open for long periods of time. He was forgetting things and weeping on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. In the days just before he died, he was filled with something I really can't describe in words, but there was a certainty. He knew where he was going and he was absolutely thrilled about it. He spoke tender words to me, for the first time in a while, and we cried together. It was in those final few days that he told me which verses he wanted the girls to read at his bedside before he died, and some other things that he wanted done...including reiterating his body donation.
Filling out the body donation form, was also one of the hardest things I have ever done. There were details I did not want to read about, and I had to sign in various places.... signing the right to his body away. Then we had to wait to see if they would indeed accept his body for science, which they did wind up doing. A few days after he died, I received a letter thanking our family for the contribution that Jay is making towards Science and helping to discover more about the human body. It brought on a fresh onslaught of tears, because as hard as it was for me to do (Jay kept insisting he was not going to be in his body anymore anyway), I know it would have made Jay proud to know that even after he was gone, his shell would continue to work for good.
Getting Jay dressed and ready to go to the hospital the day he died, was honestly a nightmare for me. Driving him there, the car was silent and surreal. Watching him die, was a vision that I will never forget. It was painful and difficult and not all of the beautiful things I had heard. I wanted to be anywhere but there, and yet I would not have dreamed of being anywhere else. The girls all read the verses he had handpicked for them, and we played his CD in the background. We prayed with our Pastor and he said goodbye to each of his brothers and then to Jeff. He asked each girl for a hug, and cried as they kissed him goodbye and told them they loved him. I kissed him and itched his head (a favorite of his) as he drifted off to sleep and watched as the love of my life left this Earth.
As well as that day could have gone, it did. They were worried about finding a vein and spent at least several minutes searching his body for one. Finally, after hunting for what seemed like forever, the nurse did one stick in his ankle, and said (pardon my language here, it's a direct quote) "holy sh**, someone must have been praying!" I new that literally hundreds had been....The insurance had not agreed to approve the procedure if his doctor was not there. His Doctor, who is Jewish, had the day off for Rosh Hashannah. He came in specifically for this and when I thanked him for coming in on his day off he said, "there's a reason I was off today, and this is it". It comforted Jay to have him there, as they have been friends for 17 years. After Jay died, his doctor said to me, "you know what today is don't you?" when I replied that I did not, he said, "in our tradition, this is the day the gates of heaven open up"... I felt goosebumps immediately.. How beautiful!
I will not pretend that this was in any way easy. It has haunted me, plagued me, and turned my insides upside down. I had prayed two days before for God to please give Jay back to me,.. I begged him to return Jay to us, but in the end, God chose to take him Home, and Jay went, willingly and with a huge smile on his face... I have peace in the knowledge that Jay is happier than I can even begin to imagine, but I miss him every second of every day. I had planned on growing old with him. In my quiet moments, I cry out that this was not supposed to happen. In my human-ness, I want that retirement with my husband, I want him to walk his girls down the aisle when they get married, I want him to hold his grandchildren and play the piano for them, and I grieve that this will never happen on this Earth.
I think that I am doing alright, then I see a picture of him, or find a letter, or going through files, I see some notes he made and I remember back to a time when he could write, and talk, and breathe on his own...and I come undone. It really is the smallest of things that break our hearts, not the big things we are prepared for, but the things that catch us by surprise. For me, mornings are hardest. I wake up confused sometimes, as to where I am, even, since I had gotten used to sleeping downstairs with him. One by one the realizations hit me, he's gone, he's not downstairs with a caregiver, this day is different than all of the days that have passed. As long as I am living, I am not going to see him again.... The tears begin to flow before I am even out of bed. This room we used to share...the memories of when he had to start using a hospital bed, and for the first time, we were separated as we slept, when he stopped being able to hug me... All of it hits me so hard it takes my breath away.
In one sense, I want this pain to stop, but in another sense, I know that when it dissipates, it's something else of him that I will have lost... It's a strange way that our body reacts to grief. I find I don't want to be alone, and yet I don't want to go through the effort of expressing what's in my heart, so I choose to be alone, but then when someone chances to take a moment to listen, I can't stop talking.... I need desperately to do projects and yet I feel paralyzed by memories and sadness and a grief I never had the time to process. His face alludes me, but his voice is so clear to me, I can almost hear him as I go about various tasks... C.S. Lewis wrote about not being able to see his wife's face in "A Grief Observed". He said that he felt he couldn't see her face in his mind, because when we are closest to someone, we see them from so many angles and with so many expressions, it's hard to capture one good picture. It's like I told Sierra, I love to look at her face, because it reminds me of her daddy... Her daddy's face animated and lively, not still and unmoving as in a photograph.
The girls and I have tried, in the weeks since (it's been three now), to process what we are feeling, and each of us has processed so differently. Some move more quickly through the steps and others of us linger...some depending on our relationship with him, and some our own personal process. All of us have prayed, cried, and found that the little things are what break our hearts. For Jess, it's a family sitting together at Olive Garden, where she works... for me, it's opening my purse and finding his wallet there... Sierra wears a bracelet that was Jay's as a boy... each of us moving through this, trying to go on with "normal" life and knowing it will never be "normal" again. Trying to find our way without him, when he has been the center of our thoughts and concerns for years now.
I find I want to remove all traces of ALS from our home. I will fight to stay involved with eradicating this disease, but right now, I can't stand to look at a suction catheter or guaze squares. I suppose I am taking my anger out on the thing that took Jay from me. ALS is a horrible monster that leaves a person with little to no choices and for someone like Jay, robs them of who they are. It is a heartwrenching thing to watch your loved one die in pieces, and ultimately to find that living is unbearable. I will never be able to erase the memories of what that disease did to my husband.
I know that God could have healed him here on Earth, and I have fought and wrestled with God about that. I begged, pleaded and petitioned, but I could not give up on trusting God. In the end, I know that's really all I have. He has a plan, His plan is ultimate, and while it hurts us sometimes in a way that is unbearable, He knows what has to happen on this Earth to work out what He has for us... We have to trust that He loves us more than our own piddly human conception of love and believe that that Love transcends whatever injustice we feel is being done, or whatever pain His plan may bring our way...I know that Jay is experiencing a joy I cannot understand right now. In some ways, that's part of my battle...How could this man, who I have gone through literally everything with, be experiencing something without me? How could we, who were one flesh, be separated?
After Jay died, I sat by his hospital bed, not wanting to leave him. Sierra wanted nothing to do with him at this point, nor did the other girls, she said that he was not in his body anymore and had already gone to be with Jesus. I knew she was right, but something about being one flesh for almost thirty years, made me unable to leave his side. I wanted to go with him, to the morgue, to the UC school, wherever he went, my silly human self wanted to be there, because this shell, was what was left of what I understood....Does that make sense? I know it sounds crazy, but leaving him there was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
As you can tell, I am still deeply in the mode of processing all of this, and it may be awhile before I move through all of the stages of grief. I am seeking counsel and I am praying that I can continue to move on, as I know that is what my girls need me to do. They have essentially been without father and mother for so long, they need their mother now, and they need a mother that can be present with them through all of their various experiences in life. I know that God can equip me for that task, and I am praying every day that He will.
There are several things going on in the girls lives that you can be praying for. Jess had to drop classes this semester, but received a letter inviting her into the Honor's program at school She has been less than motivated by school, but I believe this letter was an answer to her prayers, as it re-motivated her to get back and see a counselor. She is also looking into the Joshuah Wilderness Program, and possibly YWAM do do Mission's for a year. Please pray for her about all of this, that God would direct her path. Aubrey is applying for college right now. She is dreading the essay portion and working hard to try to complete some schooling that she has gotten behind in, because of the events of the last two years, and the hours she has logged in helping me with her dad. Please pray that God gives her superhuman abilities to get done what she needs to get done by November 30 for the application process. Lindsay has applied to several Artist's Programs, a couple in NY and one over here in SoCal. Please pray that God will direct her path. Also continue to pray for her and Iain. Iain was amazing the week that Jay died, and was responsible for the slide show at the memorial. He has been such an incredible blessing to our family. I pray that you ask God to continue to protect and bless he and Lindsay's relationship. Sierra is trying to get caught up on school, as she started High School courses this year. She is very diligent about it and gets upset with herself when she falls behind, even considering the events of the past few weeks. Please pray for her, that she can be patient with herself and that she can continue to process her loss in pieces as she matures in age.
Sierra is so young to lose her father. I have worried about her not having that masculine influence. She is also very much like her daddy in so many ways. I pray that we can keep him alive in her memory, and that she can relate to him, even though he is not here. I pray that she can understand more about herself through our memories of him, and that God will give her an extra measure of grace as she grows up without a daddy. That He will help her to know that He is her Father and she can call on Him. Also, that He will help her to feel how real He is and to experience his care in her life in tangible ways.
Please pray for me as I go about the many tasks involved in re-establishing a home that is not running in "survival mode". There are projects to prioritize and things that have suffered from neglect, both in relationships and around the house...There are many business things to do surrounding Jay's death, and each time I have to inform someone that he has passed, I pray that I can make it through the conversation without bursting into tears. I was telling a dear friend and my sister tonight, that I at last understand what words like "anguish" and "deep sorrow" mean. I can honestly say, that until now, I had no idea... It is requiring every ounce of strength I have to walk through this process with my head held high, and I know that in the end, it is not my strength, but God's, that is getting me through each day. I cling to Him like never before....
Also, I have a birthday this week, the first "first", so to speak. I remember vividly, Wanda setting Jay up in his chair last year, while he proudly smiled as they presented me with flowers and a gift card for Starbucks. My heart aches at the memory, and I know it is only the first of many "firsts".... please pray for me this week. Also, as the Holidays are approaching, we are trying to come up with things that are different, but establishing new traditions. Please pray for us as we go about doing this. I know that this year of firsts will be incredibly painful for us, so I ask that you please lift us up as we go about establishing our new sense of normal....
Below is a link to a copy of the wonderful slideshow that Iain put together for the memorial and ask that you please watch it, if you have time. Especially Jay's message at the end. It's the beautiful, simple message of salvation, and Jay delighted in sharing it any way he was able....just copy/paste the following link to your browser :)
http://www.vimeo.com/7046729
Once again, I thank you for sharing this journey with us and faithfully lifting our family up. As I said in my message at Jay's memorial, ultimately, Jay was healed, and even though it was not the healing that many were praying for, there was an internal healing that occurred in the days before he died, and it was a true gift to see him being prepared to go be with his Father. God is good, and never ever harms us. I trust Him with my whole heart, as did Jay, throughout his entire illness. I am blessed to have watched how bravely Jay dealt with what he was given, and I will find joy again, I even see glimpses of it now and then, because it is the best way that I can honor his memory....he was all about the joy :). Our family loves you, and I hope it's alright if I continue to ask for your prayers concerning the girls and I from time to time, as I hope that you will share your prayer requests with us.
| | |
| Dear Ones,
First of all, I have to tell you all how incredibly grateful I am for the outpouring of support after my last e-mail. Jay's bathroom shower is fixed, my front yard has been weeded, and I received literally dozens of tips on how to deal with an ant invasion! Also, a young homeschooled man that I have known since he was little is now an EMT. He helps occasionally with Jay's showers and after being asked, has agreed to work two nights a week so I can sleep. This is another HUGE answer to prayer. Two nights is about all I can afford right now, but will make a huge difference in my mental state...I am honestly very touched and could never convey the incredible feeling it is to know that you all care about our family in this way and how wonderful it is that God so immediately answered the call.
I wanted to update you all on those answers, and to submit a couple of more requests to you, regarding some issues I am having, and the musical that will be performed just a week from tomorrow!!!! I hope you all saw the wonderful articles in the Mercury News and the Almaden Times. For those who did not, here are the links.
http://www.server-jbmultimedia.net/AlmadenTimes/sitebase/index.aspx?area=doublepage&adgroupid=171697&pagenumber=1&view=double
http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_12933013?IADID=Search-www.mercurynews.com-www.mercurynews.com
If you will allow me to be a bit self-indulgent in this letter, there are some issues I am grappling with lately, that I know I need prayer support for. Unfortunately you will see the very ugly truth about what goes on in my mind at times, but I pray that you will afford me grace, and pray for me.
The other night, after the incident with our last caregiver, I was filled with fear at the fact that I am the sole protector in a house full of women and a very vulnerable man. My heart was filled with angst, and I barred the doors with chairs and sat up all night worrying about the safety of my family...then it hit me. God is the great Protector, and I am not trusting Him to protect my girls, Jay and myself... my heart was filled with grief that I could not bring myself to believe in that moment, that He would watch out for us and the burden felt huge....
As I was looking at travels sites, I was filled with self-pity, and a sense of claustrophobia, because of how housebound I am and the amount of things I had wanted to do and see...the things Jay and I had wanted to do and see together and I wept....then I was reminded of my Purpose. I realized how self-serving this agenda had been and how little it means in the scope of things when looking at the vastness of God's kingdom and the lives that can be touched through the ministry that we have now. Why do my thoughts turn to what I am missing instead of what is right in front of me?
Last night I as I looked at my bank accounts and noticed the escalating bills, and thought about future needs, ortho care for the girls, Jay's caregiving needs, the college application payments for Aubrey that are due soon, insurance for our vehicles, the counseling payments for the issues the kids are dealing with, and the list goes on... Then I was reminded of the great Provider, and I wept over how many times he has seen fit to see us through any financial difficulties and still managed to provide us with funds for vacations, play time and more. How Jay so carefully saved for years because he had wanted to retire early, and how now we have that money to draw from for his care, if need be. I was reminded of all of those out of work, who are wondering how they are going to pay for their next meal, and I was filled with shame at my selfishness and self-focused view. How can I not have complete and total faith in a Father who has done nothing but Provide for us throughout this process in miraculous and amazing ways? How can I be so fixed on our trials that I can't see the frustration and struggles in the lives of others?
Last night, or rather early this AM, as Jay woke me up for the third or fourth time, and my body was shaking with fatigue, I was filled with anger. I stomped around doing what he had asked, exhausted and feeling completely sorry for myself, that I spend the better part of every waking moment caring for Jay. I am ashamed to say it, I really am, but it's true. I was filled with self-pity. Then it struck me this morning that our lives are supposed to be that of servants. I have been given a chance to live my life the way God wants me to, as a servant of His, through Jay, and I am busy feeling sorry for myself, when I should be choosing to see this situation through God's eyes..... willing to wash the feet of even our enemies....How then, can I complain about caring for my groom? What has happened to my heart?
A few nights ago, Jay was crying deeply about something. When I finally was able to get out of him what was troubing him, he said that he wanted so badly to write music again, to write another musical, but he knows he is declining, as his left eye sometimes does not open at all anymore and he is tired so much of the time. He grieves his inability to serve God in this way, and it really spoke to me. That is a servant's heart...I asked him if he needed a hug, and he told me that yes, he did. I moved his tray table, and climbed in the bed with him and I wrapped his arms around me. As I lay listening to his heartbeat, I pretended for a few moments that we were back to "normal". That he could hold me in his arms again, and I could lay there with him in his embrace. If I closed my eyes, it was real, if only for a few moments... I could pretend a machine was not breathing for him, that he could wrap his arms around me on his own. When I finally raised my head to look at him, I could tell by the deep longing and the tears in his eyes, that he wished for those times too....
I am filled with regret at all we never did, never said, and the way I treated him sometimes. He was always such a Tigger and I was the voice of sanity, to a fault sometimes. I wish so much, that he could be a Tigger again. Bouncing off the walls, creating, making noise, and sweeping us all into his embrace. I miss him so terribly...but he is here, and I can still talk to him, I can still share milestones with him. I find myself dwelling on the pain of the losses instead of the gratitude for what we still have.
Yesterday, I was at the Credit Union doing my banking and telling the girls that work there about the article in the paper. The bank manager walked over and said, "I read that article, who is that man?". I told him that was my husband, with great pride, I might add. He said that the article made him really think as he read it that morning. He went on to stat that if that man, with all of his limitations, could accomplish what he had accomplished, what was to stop him, who is completely physically capable, from doing what he dreams of? He said it was inspirational, and that he wanted me to convey to Jay what a special man he is, and that he touched someone's life that he didn't even know... That man's message spoke to me too... I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, not even seeing the lesson being lived out in my own home. If God can equip Jay for His purposes, and use him despite the great obstacles in Jay's path...why do I complalin about what I cannot do?
I am the first to admit, this is not easy, but my pattern of self-pity is really getting to me. I ask that you please pray for me. Please pray that I can serve with the right heart. Pray that my mind can be fixed on God's purpose, protection and provision instead of my own. Pray that I can have patience and that God gives me super-human strength to get through this time of very little sleep. I know He is able...
As for other requests, I ask that you please think about anyone you might know that would like to do a night or so a week, or a month of caregiving. Volunteers are always welcome, but I would be willing to pay also. Right now I have Wanda three times a week, and Jason two nights. Ideally there would be others to fill in now and then who are trained. Two of our dear friends have learned Jay's care and they can tell you, it's not terribly difficult, it's just a matter of being there for him. These same two people volunteer weekly to give me a break and I am so grateful. I am incredibly grateful to Wanda and to Jason for doing this care for $15/hr when they could be demanding so much more somewhere else. Anyone willing to do this would be doing it as a job/ministry, so I ask that you answer this call if you feel a prompting to. I would love to be able to visit my parents and go back East next year to see Linds a couple of times, and to do that, I need people in place that can care for Jay in my absence. Wanda is always willing to do the days, and I am so grateful for her faithfulness, but we need night time people that can come, as I mentioned before, a couple of times a year, once a month, once a week, whatever you feel you can offer. Please pray about this and let me know what you think.
Also, please do come and see Jay. He loves visitors. Whether you read to him, play an instrument or just sit and yack with him, he is thrilled to see you. He misses his old social interactions, and while it's difficult to communicate, with patience, it can be done. There is a man from Hospice that comes and brings him comedy tapes and they listen together. Anything that you think he would enjoy, he is up for.
We are also having some issues with our RAV4. We have the parts to fix it, just not anyone that can actually put the parts on. The blinkers are not working either, so anyone that has expertise in these areas, or can recommend a really reputable mechanic, I would appreciate.
Also, ad sales are very helpful in funding the musical. Please contact ssides@yahoo.com if you are interested in purchasing ad space in the program. Again, 30% of the proceeds for this musical will go to the ALS Association...
Lastly, the musical rehearsals are going very well, but not without struggles here and there. The directors are tired as they are putting in 12-15 hour days and working the entire weekend on the production too. Please pray for stamina for them and for all involved. There has been sickness in the cast, so please pray for quick recovery for those that are ill and for the viruses not to spread anymore. Pray for all involved in the production, band members, set designers, costume makers, props people, ticket sales, helpers etc. Pray for all of them to continue to find joy in the purpose of this production.
The musical information is in the articles above, but in case you missed it, it will be performed August 7th at 7pm, and August 8th at 2pm at South Hills Community Church in San Jose and the price for admission is $10. You can contact momchikn@aol.com for tickets. :)
Thank you so much for allowing me to vent. I am tired, I know, but my prayer requests are heartfelt. I have not been happy with myself, and a lot of it is my own fault. Life is a series of trials and blessings and choosing to see the blessings and dwell on those over the trials is something I am really struggling with right now. I love you all so much and ask that you please remember to send your requests to me.
With love and gratitude at your faithfulness, TJ, Jay, Lindsay, Jess, Aubrey and Sierra
NOTE FROM EVA:
Please visit www.carecalendar.org to sign up to serve the Thompson family. There are opportunities for every personality - from visiting Jay who loves the company, to bringing meals, walking dogs, cleaning house...and the list goes on. You can always contact me at ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() 408...![]() or Momchikn@aol.com with any questions you might have. To access Jay and TJ's calendar, use Calendar ID: 2616 and Security Code: 6058. Feel free to pass the calendar information on to others who you think may be interested. Many hands make light work.
If you prefer to donate to a fund to pay for some care for Jay, so that TJ can have her much-needed rest, you can send that to them at: 6009 Fernglen Drive, San Jose, CA 95123. There are people in place now that are helping and the monies are being put to good use. Thank you all for pitching in to help in whatever ways that you can. | | |
| Dear Ones,
I realize it has been awhile since our last update. I pray that the summer is bringing you joy and peace. Time with family is precious, and I am realizing that more each day. Two of our friends have lost loved ones to cancer this month and another due to another illness. Life is short and there are no guarantees. It's so important to cherish what we have. Please join me in praying for these families who have lost loved ones this summer.
Jay's health seems to be on a down-turn right now. He seemed fairly stable for awhile, but we took him out a few times to attend different events, and the last one seemed to really be too much for him. We were out for about five hours, which is a long time for him, and when we returned he complained of nausea and severe neck pain for several days. That was ten days ago, and he has still not completely recovered. He sleeps a good percentage of the time and complains of a headache pretty consistently. I have seen fisticulations (which signal the onset of muscle loss) that have been so prominent they made his whole chest pop up in the last couple of weeks. He cries fairly frequently and is generally pretty uncomfortable. My heart aches for him and the continued suffering he is enduring. When we talk, he asks if he can go to San Francisco, or the Aquarium in Monterey, but every time we attempt any kind of outing, it's so hard on him. I cannot even imagine trying to take him for a day long event like that.
The girls continue with their struggles and triumpsh. Aubrey's appointment did not go well, and we are looking for someone else for her to talk to, so please keep that in your prayers. Jessica is consistently seeing her counselor, but she is in the period where it is causing some agitation for her, so I ask that you please pray for her, that she can continue to grow and get to the root of the issues she is having. Sierra continues to bury herself in her books, but the upside is, she has begun writing one now, and it's very good! She fancies herself like the homeschooled author of "Eragon", and plans to try to get it published. I have no doubt she can do it if she puts her mind to it. She has channeled her energies in a very creative way, and I am proud of her. Lindsay is missing Iain terribly. He had to go back to Baltimore for work, and a trip to Japan, after spending three weeks here with us. Jay and I could not be happier with him, he is a stellar young man. She is hoping to try to visit him, and he is coming back here in August to stay before they both head back to Baltimore. Things are getting pretty serious between them, so I ask for prayers for them as they look toward the future.
The girls and I went to see "My Sister's Keeper" last week, and it had a significant impact on all us, for various reasons. The girls grieved the relationship the father had with his girls as they grew. What got to me was the portrayal of how life revolves around the sick person in the home. How every visitor, phone call, event, is wrapped around that one person and their struggles. There was a scene in the movie where one of the children was out all night and expecting to get in trouble, but the parents were so engrossed with the sick child, that they did not even notice he was gone.....it hit me how often that happened here in the last three years. Especially the time period when Jay was critically ill before the vent. I used to tuck Sierra in, and ask the girls about their lives and suddenly everything became about Jay. There were hours of time where I knew the girls were here, but had no idea what they were doing or what was even happening in their lives. It struck me again, what a blow it must have been to them to not only lose their father in many ways, but to suffer the loss of me being there for them too...
As much as I am sure there is good that has come from this, and they are learning to survive under the most adverse of conditions, I grieve the losses we have all suffered too. So much has changed in the last 3 and a half years, and now I am looking at my youngest starting High School, and the two middle ones leaving for college the year after next. How did this happen? A part of me has really been grieving those "lost' years, when I am only partially aware of what was even happening in their lives.
On a positive note, we had a wonderful time in Disneyland. We spent some leisurely time there and everyone got some much needed relaxation. It was fun to re-group as a family and for all of us to get to know Iain better, as he joined us. It was good to see the girls laughing and running and acting like they were little again. I had a few "moments" where I missed Jay palpably. Watching Sierra try to relate to Iain, awkwardly, but in her own way, and seeing how desperately she wanted him to play with her and interact with her, I realized how much she is missing a male adult in her life that can relate to her...Watching her interactions with him (and he was very good to her, bless his heart) made me pray all the harder that God would continue to provide for the missing pieces in their lives... Also, I remembered the last time we went with Jay, we took him to the Aladdin show in California Adventureland. He loved that show, but what brought him to tears was when the "elephant" came out and the handicapped children that we were sitting near, got SO excited. He cried and cried because he was so touched at their joy. This time, standing outside that theatre, my own tears started at the sweetness of that memory. I missed him terribly, as I miss him every day.
I have a few requests for prayer and areas of need, if anyone feels so led. Jay's musical is just about under way. Rehearsals begin on July 20th, and the musical will be performed on August 7th and 8th. We are looking for sponsors for the program and lots of volunteer positions are available for the camp if you are interested. Please consider this, as everyone involved was thoroughly blessed last time, and some of the proceeds are going to the ALS Association. If you are available at all to help please contact Jen by visiting her website at www.gracedanceacademy.com. Here is a list of the volunteer positions:
We need volunteers for the following:
Ticket Sales (managing everything from making tickets, to being contact for purchasing and distributing, and managing box office and will call)
Program Coordinator (make program and be contact for program ads and messages; would help to have computer chops and experience with program layouts)
Marketing (going to churches, restaurants, community centers, starbucks etc. to hang up posters, and post the performances online at craigslist, artsopolis, etc.)
Props Mistress (helping gather needed props, keep track of where we rent/borrow)
Costume Mistress (working with me on costume pieces, making or buying needed items for each character)
Set builders to assist Brett with building the many set pieces in this complex genius show!
All of the above are available work exchange positions for tuition (whole or part depending on amount of time committed), or if kids are already enrolled and paid for, credit for fall classes or tickets for the show.
Please keep all of these things in your prayers, and pray that all comes together for a successful musical :)
I have a praise! My sister's surgery was significantly reduced in cost, so she is able to go ahead with it. The surgery will be Monday (she is my dear sister who has run the Carecalendar for me all these years). Please keep her in your prayers as she will be laid up for quite awhile with this, and unable to walk for a week. If anyone feels led to offer her any help, please let me know and I will coordinate something with you. The girls and I are going to try to take shifts there next week and help with her grandson or whatever we see that needs doing. Your prayers for a successful surgery and recovery would be appreciated.
We are having some minor issues around the house. The shower in Jay's room is not working, and our printer is not working for some reason. If anyone has expertise in either of these areas, let me know. I am not sure if either of them are simple or difficult fixes.
Thank you, as always for your faithfulness to our family. We love you all and pray God's blessings upon each of you.
Love and hugs, TJ, Jay, Linds, Jess, Aubs and Sierra | | |
| Dear Ones,
I pray that summer is agreeing with all of you :). We have had some bizarre weather, not exactly typical for this time of year around here, but I actually enjoy rain, and it saves on having to water :)
First of all, I want to thank you all once again, for the prayers and support you have given us through the last few weeks. If you will allow me to have a "mom" moment, Lindsay graduated and earned the "Anita Erdman Award" in Opera, and an A on her Senior recital. All in all a successful senior year and puts her in good shape to complete her Master's next year. She performed beautifully at the graduation and once again, I was struck by the amount of people that commented on her character.
I did have "a moment" when the graduation was over. I missed Jay with such intensity during the ceremony, and the chair next to me seemed to be symbolically empty. After the pomp and circumstance was over, I went to my room near the reception and had a good cry. I suppose we need to grieve moments as well as the other events in life, and that was a particularly poignant moment for me. Her father would have absolutely adored being there that day... He sacrificed so much to see it happen, and so did she, for that matter. I wished with all my heart they could have shared it. She did ask the school if she keep her cap and gown overnight (as most of the kids had to turn them in right away), and brought it back to her room to "skype" Jay in them and let him see her live and in person with them on...Oh, the wonders of modern technology. Watching her spin around in that cap and gown saying, "look at me dad, I graduated!" and seeing the smile on her dad's face, was truly priceless. It brought me right back to the princess days when she was little and she asked her daddy if he thought she was pretty in her dress... Please pray for her as she goes forward in life, that God will guide her steps and watch over her.
I would also like to ask for prayers for both Jessica and Aubrey, specifically. They are both seeing counselors on Monday for different issues they are having and I would love to see them be able to work through them. Aubrey has developed a nervous compulsive habit of creating sores on her skin and continuing to pick them. We have managed to keep it somewhat under control, but with the increasing pressure of the last few years it has gotten way worse. The Psychiatrist on call listened to me for a few minutes and said, "wow, your kids have been under a tremendous amount of pressure the last three years". My mind went quickly back through all the episodes of respiratory failure, the emergency room visits, the life or death surgeries, and I realized, they have truly been "living on the edge" for quite a long time. Aubrey, since she was 13. Now almost 17, she has learned to cope the only way she can think of. She has never been big on talking about her feelings, or letting her frustrations out. She is very practical and tends to internalize and think that emotional outbursts are not logical. Very "spock-like". Unfortunately, this inability to express herself has caught up with her, and she really does need help. Please pray for the doctor's wisdom in dealing with this with her.
Jessica, for her part, made some decisions she is having trouble forgiving herself for. She was feeling vulnerable and a bit lost over the last few years herself, and is not happy with how she handled some of her own pain. It has blocked her ability to have healthy relationships and to feel worthy of God's love. She has grown tremendously in the last year, but has reached this roadblock in her progression, and needs some help getting through it. Please pray that she has success in counseling with developing ways to handle her own sadness at what has been lost over the last few years. The life we have lived has taken a tremendous toll on her.
I don't want to sound like I am whining, or for that matter, that I do not feel that what we have gone through has not brought us closer to God in so many ways. To be truthful, I feel that the character that has developed in the girls over the last three and a half years could not have arisen in them any other way, and I am so grateful to see the choices they are making now, and the compassion for others in pain, that has developed in them. It's just that we need to deal with the collateral damage and help them to be as whole again as they can possibly be. Please pray for this process with us.
Our yards look wonderful and I want to thank all of those responsible for the beautiful job they are doing and have done in making them look that way. It is a joy to come home and see the beautiful flowers blooming in our front yard. Robert said he designed the "purple heart" near our driveway specifically for Jay! What a touching tribute!
Speaking of tributes, one of Jay's old piano students entered a 5th grade writing contest. He had to write about his hero, and chose to write about Jay. His essay won first place for the 5th grade, and he is going to be reading it on Monday at a school event. When I read the note to Jay that his parents sent, he was moved to tears. I know there are days he does not feel like much of a hero. Lately, most evenings, he cries out of frustration at the lack of ability to do anything physical or enjoy most of the things we all take for granted. To be called any kind of hero, really touched him.
As for Jay, the progression continues. His eyes are definitely weakening, and there are times he cannot open them at all from pure fatigue. He has had a lot of back pain and lately, some intestinal issues. It is clear he continues to decline, but his mind is as sharp as ever. He shops on e-bay (license plates from other countries), and plays his games, as well as putting the finishing touches on the musical. We don't take him out much, because it causes a lot of pain, but he wants to go to San Francisco and Monterey this summer, so pray we can make it without too much discomfort on his part. For the most part, people come here to see him. He gets read to and has music played for him. He watches Lindsay's recital DVD whenever he can, and cries through the whole thing.
We try to bring things here for Jay, and to be honest, it's why we decided to have the Graduation Celebration for Linds this year that we are having. Even though she is graduating again next year, we don't know what Jay's situation will be by then, so we wanted to celebrate the event here so he could be a part of it. Which reminds me, please come if you are able. Here's the information if you need it:
Date: Friday, June 19th
Time: 7:00pm
Location: Thompson Manor :)
6009 Fernglen Dr.
San Jose CA 95123
I also ask for prayers for Jay's musical which will be happening this month. The camp starts on July 20th and the musical will be performed the first weekend in August.. Please contact Jennifer Daugavietis at Jen@Gracedanceacademy.com for more information, or if you are interested in having your kids participate. The better the enrollment, the better the musical! :) Be praying over this endeavor as Jay is very excited about it!
Please also continue to lift Jon up in your prayers. He has been a blessing to me and I have been able to finally get to my upstairs to start cleaning it out!!! It's been wonderful having the help, and I think we are finding a good balance of time with Jon, and time with family for Jay. Jon would like continued prayers for communication with Jay and for understanding of Jay. It's hard to get to know someone in this state, and he has had a very short amount of time to do it, so pray for patience on both Jay's part and Jon's part. In the meantime, the extra pair of hands has been wonderful!
Lindsay is coming home on Tuesday and she is bringing someone special in her life home with her :). Please pray that they have safe travel and that all goes smoothly. She will be teaching voice starting the 16th of June, so if you are interested, please let her know. She is trying to build up her savings again for next year, since she will not be an RA and will be living out on her own.
After Linds and Iain arrive, the girls and I and Iain, will be going to Disneyland for a few days to celebrate Lindsay and Iain's graduations and Aubrey's birthday. Please pray that we have safe travel and that we have a chance to really celebrate and relax for a few days. All of us are so very excited about it
Please lift Jay and Wanda and Jon up while we are gone, also. Wanda and Jon will be caring for Jay here at home, and I know that Jay is sad that he cannot make the trip this time. If you have time to visit him, we will be gone the 10th-15th of June, and I know he would absolutely love a visit. He adores seeing people and getting to show off his mad "eyegaze" skills. :)
Lastly, I really feel our family has been under attack. Some very strange things have happened, and everybody is really struggling emotionally. If you don't mind, please take the time to pray for us and ask God to protect us from any attacks from the enemy. We appreciate so much your faithfulness to us over the years and I am grateful for your prayers more than I can articulate. Also, I am being hit with a lot of individual bills, but they are adding up, Jess's ambulence ride in NY is not covered, SS is saying that they have been overpaying me for a year..not by a lot, but it has added up over the course of a year to about $5000. Apria is claiming I have not paid co-pays to them, but their billing has been so inconsistent and confusing that I don't even know what I owe them and now they are taking me to collections for several thousand dollars. I am committing this all to God, and I have faith that He will provide and take care of us, it is just very unnerviing to get these things in the mail.
Also, we have not heard anything from AT&T Disability, so continue to keep that situation in your prayers..
Please also lift my sister up. She is having severe foot problems and desperately needs a surgery to correct what's going on with her foot. Her insurance will only pay for half of the surgery and she cannot afford the other half, so she has been living with this issue for quite awhile. She fell recently and aggravated the problem and now is in constant pain, so she called her insurance and, based on their income, is trying to get them to reduce her portion. Please pray that she has success with this. She is one of the most loving and giving people I know, and it pains me to know she is suffering like this. Please pray that she will get her portion reduced and that she will be able to have the surgery soon.
I have also heard recently of no less than four people with possible or definitive serious cancer diagnoses. They all have families and in all of the cases, the prognosis is not good. I ask that you please lift these families up and ask God to intervene with miraculous healings. Please pray that the families are able to lean on God during these times of waiting and treatments and to trust Him in all things. I ask for supernatural peace for all of them and that God would continue to work in their lives as they struggle with their emotions through this trying time.
As always, thank you thank you thank you, for being there for us in a myriad of ways. I ask that you please send me your prayer requests also. It blesses our family to be able to lift you up. Jay checks the emails and prays also, so please let us know what's happening your lives that we can be praying about.
Love and blessings to you always, The Thompson's, Jay, TJ, Lindsay, Jess, Aubs and Sierra
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| Dear Ones,
As always, I am so grateful for all of you. I was sitting in my front yard today, looking at the beautiful work that was done on it this weekend, then entered my gorgeous new living room, that was also put together by the loving care of our dear brothers and sisters in Christ, and I was at once overwhelmed by how wonderful all of you have been to us. I realized just how many people it has taken to keep us afloat over the years, and I was once again, profoundly grateful to all of you for filling the gaps and beyond.... We love you so much.
I am writing to ask you, yet again, for your prayers. I have been feeling a keen sense of grief the last few days. In the middle of every day tasks, I find myself crying unbidden, or doubling over from a sudden gut-wrenching pain, caused strictly by emotion. I don't know if it's because of Lindsay's upcoming graduation and the intense pride I know that Jay feels at her accomplishments and how much he would have loved to be there to see her graduate. I remember him sitting in the audience over the years, from the time she was two years old, watching her sing with such unabashed admiration. She always managed to bring tears to his eyes....Or perhaps it's seeing the kids in their prom attire, and remembering my own Senior prom that I attended with Jay as his wife! In those moments I realize that we were just babies when we started dating at 16 and 17, and now 30 years later, I love him every bit as much as I did then, and so much more. All I can say is I miss him, and knowing that he cannot watch Lindsay's graduation beside me, or go on the summer family vacation this year is so hard to fathom...even after all of this time... He is such an integral part of this family, and, as the kids would say, the "fun one"...
Aubrey, Sierra and I are traveling to Baltimore to see the graduation on Wednesday, returning on Sunday. Please pray for safety for us as we travel, and for safety here for Jay. Wanda, Jon and Jessica will be home with him, looking after him, so please pray for all of them also.. Lindsay will be singing at the graduation, so I ask that you please pray for her and for all of the performers. Please pray that the graduation is a special time for all of the graduates and their families... We are so excited to get to be there to celebrate with all of them. Many of them I have known since Freshman year and it is going to be so exciting to get to see them take this momentous step! The graduation is Thursday evening, so please keep the whole event in your prayers.
I also ask that you pray for Jessica. She will be giving her testimony to the Terra Nova group on Thursday night as well. She has had a tumultuous several years, and while her walk with God is strong, the road has been hard and not without mistakes... She has grown into such an incredible young woman. I honestly do no know what I would do without her. She is such a support to me, both emotionally and physically. The other day she brought me home a card that said something to the effect that at the end of the road, there will be a rainbow, even if she has to paint the darn thing herself.....I laughed all day over that card. Her humor has brought me so much joy, and over the years, we have cried a lot together too....She is a truly beautiful person and someone I am proud to know, let alone call my daughter...On Thursday, she will be making herself very vulnerable, and has been deep in thought and prayer over the last several days about what exactly God would have her talk about. She is planning on taking a day this week to meditate on it, so I ask that you please lift her up and that God will make it clear to her what He wants her to share.
Aubrey and Sierra are doing well. Sierra is loving the attention and time she is getting from me now (although she would never admit it, haha), and Aubrey appears to have a new lease on life. She has been able to go out a bit more and spend some more much needed time on her studies. She is continuing to research ROTC through several schools and really seems serious about going that route. Please pray for her as she prepares to apply to colleges next year, that she can do well on all of the testing involved and that she is able to get her work for her World Views class completed, as she has fallen a bit behind and will be finishing it up this summer. She also hopes to get a summer job, and take a summer class, so please pray for in both of those areas, that she would know exactly what she should be doing. Jessica and I were talking about Aubrey and Sierra the other day, and we were both remarking at how quickly they have stepped up to the plate these last three years. They have both matured so much, and really dedicated themselves to making good decisions and not involving themselves in behaviors that would get them into trouble. I have had little or no time to really parent them in the last couple of years, and yet they seem to really be blossoming into such neat people. they are by no means, perfect children, but I am proud of who they are becoming...This is one of the many places that I see evidence of the grace of God. He has promised to help me parent them and I have seen their faith increase, through the many ways God has made himself evident in their lives. It has been such a wonderful treat for me to watch this unfold.
Please pray for Lindsay this week, as I know it will be a bittersweet graduation for her, not having her father there. He is the one that went with her on her college tours, and helped her to choose Peabody. When he was diagnosed shortly after she started her Freshman year, it was her father that told her to stay there...He reiterated that God knew he was going to become sick, and He still led her there, therefore, that is where she was supposed to be. He did not want her to rush home not knowing what her dad's future held, but instead asked her to stay and fulfill God's plan for her life. Jay always understood Lindsay better than I did, and when she was sad, Jay is the one she would call or go to, because they were always on the same wavelength. It has been increasingly difficult for them to communicate with each other over the years, but she has saved all of his old messages on her phone and listens to them over and over. I know that Jay has contributed largely to Lindsay's love of classical music and was a catalyst to her wanting to perform it professionally. This is a moment her dad would have been so proud to share and we will not be able to help but notice his absence. I just ask that you pray that God gives us grace and strength to celebrate the joy of the occasion.
We will be having a gathering here on Friday, June 19th at 7pm to celebrate Lindsay's graduation with Jay and with all of her friends here, in San Jose. It will be "open house" style so if you have a moment to stop by and congratulate Lindsay and visit with the family, we would love to see you.. Please e-mail me for details if you think you would like to come :)
Things are going really well with Jon, our new caregiver. He has now been here two weeks, and I think he is getting used to our crazy household. Thank you so much to those of you who have offered to house him on his days off, he has already stayed with one of you, and may yet stay with some others as the time goes by. He works quite extensively with "Teen Challenge" so will also be spending some of his off days working with them. Please continue to pray for Jon. He has learned a lot in a very short amount of time. It's a lot to retain, and he has done an admirable job of learning just about every aspect now. The communication issues with Jay are huge for all of us, but Jon is making good headway in that area as well.. Please pray that that continues. Also, he is noticing how little sleep is involved in caring for Jay around the clock, and I know that is not an easy thing to get used to. Please pray that we find a good balance, so that Jon will get the rest he needs and I will continue to have the time with Jay that I cherish....Pray for the relationship between Jon and Jay to grow and blossom and that they can be there for each other. Pray for patience for Jon as he deals with the many personalities in this house :), and that he is comfortable and happy here. I have loved being able to take the girls to lunch after church.(.I have loved having the ability to sleep the night before so that we can GO to church, for that matter), and Sierra has become my companion on virtually every errand I have run since I have had the ability to get out of the house more. Just being able to sit in the living room and read with her has been such a privilege. I am still getting used to the freedom this is affording me, and the renewed energy I feel now that I am getting some sleep! I cannot tell you what a blessing having Jon has been and how many ways we have seen the hand of God in this situation. Thank you, as always for the prayers you have prayed for us.
Once again, I feel compelled to tell you all how much your love and support have meant to us. It is an amazing feeling to know, that I can come to you with our requests at any time, and you do not hesitate to lift us up. I thank you for sharing your requests with us, and ask that you continue to do so... It is an honor to be able to keep you in our prayers.
I am grateful beyond words.... Love, TJ, Jay, Lindsay, Jess, Aubrey and Sierra
p.s. this was today's verse on Biblegateway...I found it particularly touching...
“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”- Hebrews 6:10
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